The Kravis Center in West Palm Beach has released its COVID-19 safety measures for the upcoming season of live performances.
I have some adjustments.
Kravis center rule: “The Kravis Center requires all staff and volunteers to be vaccinated and implements specific health and safety compliance standards for all performers and the team.”
Cerabino adjustment: The cast of “Cats” will be spayed or neutered ahead of the February performances.
Kravis center rule: “Fully vaccinated guests have the option of providing documentation of this status instead of providing documentation of a negative COVID-19 test result. Acceptable documentation may be the original vaccination card, a printed copy of the vaccination card or a digital copy of this card.
Cerabino adjustment: Proof of vaccination for a friend of Nicki Minaj’s cousin from Trinidad or any other client cannot include a visual presentation of one or more swollen testicles.
Kravis center rule: “All guests aged 2 and over are required to wear appropriate face coverings that meet CDC guidelines (completely covering nose, mouth and under chin) when on property, except when eating or actively drink in designated areas. “
Cerabino adjustment: Guests who snore during performances will be required to wear two masks.
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Kravis center rule: If not fully vaccinated, “all guests aged 5 and over are required to present documentation (print or digital) to event staff prior to entering the theater for a PCR test result. COVID-19 negative taken within 72 hours of performance, or a negative result COVID-19 antigen test result performed within 24 hours of the scheduled performance start time. “
Cerabino adjustment: Customers who present false documents will be liable to prosecution and / or free tickets to “My Fair Lady”.
Kravis center rule: “’Complete vaccination’ is defined as completion of the final dose at least 14 days prior to the performance date. “
Cerabino adjustment: “Complete delirium” is defined as the administration of a last dose of hydroxychloroquine at least 14 days before the ingestion of deworming ointment for cattle.
Kravis center rule: “Food and drinks outside are not allowed in our facilities. “
Cerabino adjustment: However, guests will be allowed to sit down after intermission with their cocktails of monoclonal antibodies.
Kravis center rule: “There are many reasons why our guests may not be vaccinated and nothing in this policy requires a guest to provide vaccination documentation. “
Cerabino adjustment: But hardly any of those reasons hold true, and you should be ashamed of bringing your unvaccinated carcass to a crowded place full of older and more vulnerable members of the public.
So while we don’t risk being fined by our dangerously reckless and selfish governor, if you show up unvaccinated we will reserve the right to move your seat to our new ‘balcony behind the balcony’ overlooking Okeechobee Boulevard.
Binoculars are recommended. Additional oxygen not included.
Kravis center rule: “According to guidelines from health authorities, face coverings should completely cover each person’s nose, mouth and chin. Neck warmers, open chin triangular bandanas, and face covers containing valves, mesh or holes are not acceptable alternatives.
Cerabino adjustment: Additionally, a client’s purse or carry bag should completely cover their chihuahua’s nose, mouth, and chin for emotional support.
Kravis center rule: “Our staff will review the documentation you provide, but will not require or keep a duplicate of your documentation. “
Cerabino adjustment: We do this to prevent you from becoming a victim of Cyber Ninjas listeners, who would scrutinize your documentation to suggest, through bamboo fiber detection, that there are serious questions about your established status as a member of the public.
Kravis center rule: “We think most people are honest. Our staff will be trained to recognize valid documentation, which is one of many levels of health and safety protocols implemented. A corresponding photo ID will be required.
Cerabino adjustment: While we rely on your honesty, we stand ready to punish offenders.
If you present false documents, we reserve the right to either invalidate your ticket or have you stay until the end of the show, ensuring that it will take you half an hour to exit the parking lot.
Kravis center rule: Tickets for “Summer: The Donna Summer Musical” go on sale Saturday October 2nd.
Cerabino adjustment: Tickets will be issued with a disclaimer that the Kravis Center makes no factual representations or warranties regarding the song “I Will Survive”.